Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
You Might Also Like
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.