Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
lmfao
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
respect