Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.