Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*