Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You Might Also Like
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If you know, you know
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’ve been learning to cook.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?