Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
S/o to @funTweeters .
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine