Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Mmmm. Shoeshi
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.