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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Holy shit he’s back
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
In banana years, I am bread.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi