BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Europe. Made in Germany.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?