DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*