I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby