Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
this came to me in a vision
Chemical wingman
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Apparently, this is how the world ends.