BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!