Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year