Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable