Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.