Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
WWE is French for “yes”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.