BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.