BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”