Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.