Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
This is my bus stop.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.