[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Lmfaoooooo
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?