Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”