@adult_keverage: Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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@RoosterMustache: WIFE: omg the FBI ME: thats just female body inspectors W: why are they here M: probably all those female bodies we buried W: o yah lol
@Kyle_Lippert: *plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*