Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
it be like that
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.