@adult_keverage: Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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@TheHyyyype: GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face ME: *gets really close* i'm two months behind on my rent
@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@GrantTanaka: me: [banging head on wall] wife: honey is something wrong me: [sobbing] I'M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
@runawaycupcake: "We're not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!" might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.