Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I think the cat got the dog high.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..