Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message