@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
@LackOfShame: [text from friend) Her: You doing okay? Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.