@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
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@SunshineJarboly: not a day goes by that i don't think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
@NoTheOtherJohn: "Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in* "THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!" [voice from the back] "Nobody was going to."
@JB4Realz: I can't take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him... Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread dog.
@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.