When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.