@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
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@papasuncle: My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
@SortaBad: *slaps the cup out of the barista's hand* "No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy"
@Jerrypleasure: [Date] waiter: what would you like to have? me: bring a milkshake with two straws date: *smiles* me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink
@BackrowSeats: If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.