@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
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@RocketRankoon: [picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
@ShutUpThatsWho: [NASA press conf] "good news: we found a cat on Mars" REPORTER: & the bad news? "[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it's sleeping"
@ahoytheboat: i wear my ninja turtles costume on all of my first dates just to weed out the weirdos.