Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas