Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.