Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible