Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
new shirt idea
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”