Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.