[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
who wants to go expliring
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”