You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
can’t believe I got front row seats
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?