Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Meme Monday.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
live long and prosper!
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.