Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I love twitter
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.