[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
You Might Also Like
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Happens to everyone.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory