When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The best shot in the history of golf
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.