I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together