[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.