[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
the saddest jazz hands ever
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Xylophonist Shredding It
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’