boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.