Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.