@Laser_Cat: Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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@1Happytwit: Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
@jimmytorosian: Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put "delicious" in their name. Like calm down. You're still just an apple. You ain't no prize.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.