Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
You Might Also Like
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.