Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
me and the Superbowl rn
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.