Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Pretty much. 🤣