*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin