For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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no one ever comes back
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.