Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down